“To the people of earth, this tragedy in Papeete leaves me feeling distraught.

I wish to assure you all that all attempts at communication with the militant group “North Side Skunks”, who claimed responsibility shortly after the event are progressing well.

We are assured by our mediators that this is a one off event, and that the people involved have not intention of continuance of their violent and terrorism.

Rest assured I intent to ensure the safety of all citizens of the free world to the best of my ability.”

A press consultant advised that frequent updates would be available on the international news system Twitter.